Porn Addiction Doesn’t Discriminate

By Melissa Ruff

A wonderful woman that has been a part of our online groups wrote in and wanted to share her story. We hope this encourages you…


If you’re a Christian woman struggling with porn, masturbation, or other sexual sins, I can assure you that you’re not alone. I’m a 31-year-old woman, born and raised in the church, who became addicted to pornography and masturbation towards the end of college, and who still struggles with sexual sin today.

My relationship with sexual sin, though, began much earlier. 

For my 16th birthday, friends gifted me my very first sex toy. I remember using it for the first time, unaware of how much that experience would shape my life.

My behavior with masturbation grew from an occasional occurrence into a full-fledged addiction. It got to the point where I would masturbate for hours after work then fall asleep in front of the TV, only to repeat the cycle the next day (then the next … and the next …). 

My introduction to pornography only magnified the problem.

At my job, I would go into the bathroom, or drive home during my lunch break, so that I could “get my fix”. I would go into the bathroom of book stores/restaurants/etc. to watch porn and masturbate, or would pull over on the side of the road to do so.

It’s alarming, in retrospect, to admit the extent of sexual sin’s dominion and control over my life during that time. I always knew I had a problem and that I needed help.

But I didn’t personally know women who struggled sexually, and I felt extremely isolated, ashamed, and hopeless.

For years I craved fellowship and connection but didn’t know where to find it. I had heard about XXXchurch and reluctantly joined a group in the summer of 2019.

I was skeptical that it would actually help but joined nonetheless. Now, a year and a half later, I am enthusiastically grateful that I made that decision. 

This group has been a space to share more openly and vulnerably than I can with most other people.

I have grown to feel much less alone in my struggle and appreciate the outlet to encourage other women. I tend to view sexual sin as something I have to muster through and conquer but, through the support of my group, I am learning to humble myself before God and simply admit that, in my own strength, I can do nothing.

I’m learning what it means to really let go and to trust God, and not just in the area of sexual sin.

I am learning to embrace my weaknesses because, in them, His strength sustains me. I am slowly learning that Jesus is not only my Savior, but my friend and friends walk patiently through trials together.   

Since joining my group, sexual sin remains an ongoing battle in my life. But rather than viewing that as defeat, my group continually reminds me of the many ways in which I have grown.

Rather than focusing on the guilt and shame that comes with sexual sin, I’m learning to keep my eyes and heart fixed on the cross. I’m aspiring to meditate on the Savior, and not on the problem.

I can’t change myself on my own; I need Jesus.

The more I embrace His heart, the more I understand why I turn to sexual sin, because of brokenness.

He wants us to draw near to Him in that brokenness, as much as our instincts scream at us otherwise. If Jesus asks the prostitute and the adulteress to draw near, wouldn’t he ask the same of us? 

Trust His love for you and invite Him into your battle. Lean on His strength, not on your own. Fight the urge to retreat and hide because of your sin.

Join a community, maybe on like at Small Groups Online. Get the support you need.

And remember: you are not alone.

 

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